WTF Did John Travolta Do To Jeff Conaway?

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Alright, it’s preface time! First off, I’m not saying that I believe anything that the late Jeff Conaway or his whack-job ex-wife say, I’m just what-ifing a little. Secondly, I have no problem with anyone being gay; I’m saying it now, and I’m never saying it again. With that said…

WTF is wrong with John Travolta? I was willing to except that the Savages star is a psychiatrist hating Scientologist nutbag who might be in a sham-marriage that helps to breed a culture of non-acceptance of homosexual lifestyles simply because he was so good in Pulp Fiction. I’m that kind of guy; you make one good movie and I’m on your team for good. However, I now have to deal with the concept that Vinny Barbarino is creepily exposing himself to massueses all over the world and once tried to mouth-love his best friend (Conaway) while he slept! WTF John? First you won’t come out of the closet and therefore make the unofficial statement that gay isn’t okay, and now you’re running around doing every BS stereotypical thing that intolerant hillbillies think gay men do! Come on man! You’re a rich and famous guy, come out and enjoy life, don’t go trying to do no-no things to your buddies. I don’t know if GLAAD has their own version of the Razzies, or a Hall-of-Shame, but John Travolta belongs in it.

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WTF Is Wrong With Ryan Reynolds?

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Well, there’s another celebrity that I no longer want to root for. After years of perfecting his “I’m a meathead but you love me because I’m so witty” schtick to the point where even I thought he was awesome (and I hate everybody!), Ryan Reynolds has gone and acted like a d-bag. The R.I.P.D. Star recently moved to Westchester County, New York (a hop, skip, and a dead rat away from where I grew up in NYC) with his girlfriend (Blake Lively from Gossip Girl, which sucks) and has decided to let his diva-flag fly in the suburbs. I’m not even going to get into how annoying his “privacy demands” are, I’m merely going to point out that he accused a couple of following him and his lady our of a restaurant…loudly. What led to this accusation? They made the cardinal mistake of getting up at the same time as Reynolds! The Nerve! WTF is wrong with you Ryan? Why would two people on a date follow you and your girlfriend? Your famous sure, but no one really cares, especially the rich folk that live near you. Unless there’s some sort of huge and comical misunderstanding that makes all of this better, I’m off the Ryan Reynolds bandwagon. By the way, no one liked Green Lantern.

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WTF Jessica Simpson

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Wtf kind of name is that? You named your little girl Maxwell Drew Johnson? Dammit Jessica Simpson, none of that is a girl’s name. Why would you name a little girl that? I know you were mad because you grew to the point where we all figured you’d give birth in a closet on some cardboard to a bunch of brindle colored dobermans, but why would you curse your little girl with that name? WTF happened to naming little girls “Jenny” or “Lisa” or…I dunno…Jessica? Maxwell Drew Johnson sounds like a guy that played lacrosse at Radford, wears boat shoes on the weekends, and calls the guy that valets his car at the country club “My friend” but never tips him. You didn’t just give your kid a boy’s name, you gave her a boy that no one likes’ name; WTF were you thinking? Okay, truth be told, I’m sure that you’ll be a great mom and little Maxwell will end up a great girl, but naming your child after coffee and your ex-husband’s brother is just asking for trouble.

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WTF Chaz Bono?

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Ummmm hey bro, nice chin strap. WTF Chaz Bono? Before we get any further, let me explain that I have nooooo problem with transgendered people; anyone can get or remove whatever parts they want…anyone except that Frankenstein guy, he can’t be trusted. However, I’ve got some serious issues with the man that Dancing with the Stars contestant Chaz Bono has become; WTF kind of example is he setting for the rest of the world? Of all the guys he could’ve became, he went for not only “chubby guy who wears expensive wife-beaters”, and not even for just “guy with stupid neck beard”; he went for the ultimate in Nickleback fan style and became “fat guy who wears wife-beaters, covers up double chins with his neck-beard, and has a bunch of stupid looking generic tattoos”. What…The…F***? I’m kind of insulted that this is the image he has of men. He could’ve been any number of respectable people, but he chose to be a guy who probably wears Affliction shirts, hits on Hooters’ waitresses, and refers to MMA as “doing UFC”. If this is what women think of when they think of men, its a wonder they’re still even mating with us.

 

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WTF Is Elizabeth Olsen Wearing?

Posted on April 4, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Well color me excited folks, because it looks like we have ourselves the first images from the next Muppet movie. In the scene above, the muppets have to sneak around town to avoid being caught by a mad scientist, so Ratso gets on Animal’s shoulders and Janice from Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem gets on his shoulders, and they put a big furry coat on, and then they sneak passed the armed guards outside of the Muppet Theater, and then they…oh crap, that’s Elizabeth Olsen. Wow, wtf is wrong with her? The Martha Marcy May Marlene star was out on the streets of somewhere recently, and man did she look ridiculous. I don’t claim to know how to dress, but even I know that wearing a full ostrich as a coat is a bit much. WTF is wrong with the Olsens? Not a single one of them is capable of maintaining normalcy for a period longer than twenty minutes. Elizabeth seems to be the most down to earth member of the family,but if she keeps dressing like Joan Rivers’ purse, I’m going to lose faith.

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WTF Is Up With Chevy Chase’s Attitude?

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Remember when Chevy Chase was someone we all rooted for? I do; it seems like yesterday that I heard he was on some show called Community and I was so happy that the guy who made Fletch and Caddyshack so epic was going to get another shot at impressing a new generation with his comedic talents. Well, those days are over, and apparently Clark Griswold has become an absolute nightmare to work with. Chase walked off the set of Community without finishing his scenes a few months back, and is now very close to quiting the show after series creator Dan Harmon called him out for it publicly. Chevy, citing that Harmon had embarrassed him in front of his family,left the show-runner an angry voicemail that included calling him things like “stinko” and “fat sh–”; that’s not the Chevy Chase I want to believe exists. WTF Chevy? Imagine if you had acted this way on the set of Man of the House, you would’ve broken Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s little heart…oh yeah, and you would’ve been kicked off a movie where you were billed under Jonathan friggin’ Taylor Thomas. It can get worse again Chevy, don’t get too cool for the room again; it went poorly last time.

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Randy Quaid’s Tinfoil Hat

Posted on March 17, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

WTF Randy Quaid? There was a solid fifteen years where I consistently remembered you fondly; not that you were dead or anything, you just weren’t in the spotlight very much, so I had to go on memories, and they were great ones! If someone said “Hey, whatever happened to Randy Quaid?”; I would respond “Who cares, he was cousin Eddie, Ish in Kingpin, and he saved the world from friggin’ aliens! I hope he’s relaxing in a spa somewhere earning his residuals and growing a sweet beard.”. Well, I wasn’t all wrong because Quaid relaxed at a spa and grew a beard, but the Independence Day star refused to pay and got himself arrested. Then he squatted in a house he had sold a few years earlier, an then he fled to Canada to avoid assassins. No, I didn’t make any of that up, he’s done all of those things. WTF Randy? I know, Dennis (Quaid, his brother) got all the looks, and you were never a top-line star, but everyone loved you; you were like the crazy uncle we all wanted but never had, you even got to play that exact uncle on numerous occasions. WTF happened? Now you’re a complete nutjob, and not even the fun kind that starts his own commune based on the teachings of peacock he saw during an acid trip; you’re the kind of nutjob that commits fraud and runs from the cops. Clean up your act Randy, be a Busey, not an OJ.

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Rihanna Is A Moron

Posted on March 12, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Okay, so maybe Rihanna has some sort of learning disability, because there’s no other way to explain how stupid she’s capable of acting. The “Birthday Cake” singer has already upset all of us non-stupids by beginning a new relationship with Chris Brown (you know, the guy who was a side kick through a plate-glass coffee table and a catch phrase from giving her a full-on 80s movie karate beat-down), but now she’s really making us say”WTF?” with her new twitter feud…sorry, feuds. First, she got into it with some fans for talking crap about her decision to let Brown and his cell-phone stealing fists of fury back into her life. How did she respond to what she herself described as “Cyber Bullying”? Oh simple, by calling the girl who upset her fat and then setting her fans lose to bomb her twitter with insults. Yes, that’s cyber bullying itself; and yes, it gets worse because then Rihanna went and got all racist on Chris Brown’s current girlfriend (yes, a loser who hits women has multiple females battling for his attention) Karreuche Tran when she posted a picture of a bag of rice cakes with hoop earing and the caption “Ima make u my b-tch” on her Twitter. You see, Tran is Vietnamese, and 40 friggin’ years ago people made jokes about rice-paddies, and… WTF Rihanna? You’re like a walking set back to women’s rights; and your racist, and you’re not funny. Rice cakes? Who taught you humor? The 1930′s equivelant of Carrot Top? Listen lady, people are going to start calling you Ri-Ri for a whole other reason soon.

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WTF Are The Heat Wearing?

Posted on March 8, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Look, I don’t know crap about fashion; I usually wear camo shorts and whatever black t-shirt I grab off the pile first, leading me to look like a 14 year old 3 weeks into summer camp. However, I pretty much don’t care how I look, so I’ve decided that I’m allowed to make fun of people that try really hard and still look stupid; this brings me to the Miami Heat. The NBA super-squad is really good at basketball, but WTF dresses these guys? Look at Dwayne Wade, is that a rash-guard? Is he planning on going surfing? Or is he just trying to stay prepared in case a grappling tournament breaks out in the parking lot? Of course, it might not be a rash-guard, in which case I’m still fascinated by how tight that thing is, although its infinite tightness pales in comparison to the ” Dr. Hipster M.D.” outfit that former NBA MVP Lebron James is wearing. I look past the murse trend thats been going on the last few years because I’m a nice guy, and because i figure that sometimes dudes just need satchels, but WTF is that thing? Is that a medical bag? And WTF are the rims on his glasses that big? Maybe he’s just trying to stay prepared in case Dwayne’s shirt makes him pop a blood vessel and surgery is needed. WTF guys, suits or street cloths, that’s what athletes wear after games, not Jiujitsu gear and Weezer costumes.

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WTF Is Up With Ke$ha’s Head?

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Bill Shakespeare

Wow, I really have to commend Ke$ha. Yeah, she has a really…really dumb name that barely makes even an ounce of sense (WTF sound does a dollar sign make?), and yes, her music sounds like the lady that works in the bowling alley and that guy that sells cotton candy at hockey games had a baby who decided to record songs on a tape-deck, but I’m really impressed that she’s preparing for the robot apocalypse. It takes a ton of foresight to realize that our future cyborg overlords are going to be aiming for the temples with their lasers, and a ton of testicular fortitude to have armor installed on ones face in order to be ready to fight for our survival…wait, WTF do you mean that it’s a fashion statement? You mean to tell me that she went out and had her head shaved and metal studs put in place of her hair in order to look cool? WTF is wrong with her? She looks like a she’s got some disease that’s slowly turning her into a hood ornament. Oh yeah, and “Blow” is a dumb song, WTF Key-DollarSign-Haaaa?

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